Three Common Traps When Dealing with Your Partner’s Family

When you marry someone, you're not just building a life with them — you're stepping into their family system, too. And sometimes, that’s where the real tension begins.

Many Asian American couples discover this after marriage: the hard part isn’t always just between the two of you — it’s often about how to handle each other’s families.

When it’s just the two of you, conflict can be worked through. But when extended families get involved, things often get murkier, stickier, and harder to resolve.

If you’re trying to balance your marriage and your in-law dynamics, here are three emotional response patterns to watch for — and how they quietly erode connection if left unchecked.

1. “If my background is better than yours, I feel safer.”

In intimate relationships, many of us carry a hidden worry:
What if I’m not good enough?
What if your family looks down on me?

Sometimes, that insecurity comes out as criticism — of our partner, or of their family. It’s not always intentional. But subconsciously, we may be trying to gain emotional leverage by diminishing the other side.

Some people repeatedly say things like:
“I married down to be with you.”
Or joke, half in jest:
“I honestly don’t know how you survived childhood with food like that.”

These comments may sound casual, but often carry subtle contempt. And once that contempt seeps into daily interactions, the tone of the relationship shifts — from appreciation to comparison, from warmth to low-grade disdain.

We might think that belittling our partner’s family helps us feel more secure. But in reality, it quietly chips away at emotional trust and mutual respect.

2. “You’re either on my side — or theirs.”

It’s common to feel frustrated when your partner won’t take your side in a conflict with their parents.
We assume:
“If they love me, they’ll back me up.”
“If they don’t choose me, they’re betraying me.”

One wife, after another clash with her mother-in-law, finally said to her husband:
“You need to decide — are you married to me or your mom?”

It sounds like a strong boundary. But when a partner is forced to choose between their spouse and their parents, the emotional fallout can be long-lasting.

Even if they do “choose” you in the moment, guilt may build under the surface — and that guilt often turns into irritability, withdrawal, or sudden outbursts directed at you later.

Yes, it’s absolutely okay to ask for your partner’s empathy, their support, even their protection in front of their family. But instead of forcing a hard split, it’s often more effective to co-create a shared plan — one that protects your marriage without asking your partner to betray their roots.

3. “I’ll bend over backwards — as long as they like me.”

Not everyone responds to family tension with defiance. Some go the other direction: over-functioning, over-accommodating, and over-sacrificing.

Think of it as disappearing in order to be accepted.

Like one of my favorite writers once described — she worked tirelessly to win over her mother-in-law: waking up early to clean the house, cooking for dozens of guests, spending her own savings to please everyone. Her in-laws were impressed. But it wasn’t sustainable.

When she found out her trip to visit her in-laws had been extended unexpectedly, she didn’t feel grateful. She felt panicked and depleted.

This is the reality of appeasement: the more you give, the more exhausted you feel — and the less likely the other side is to recognize your effort. Because once you stop over-performing, the goodwill often disappears too.

You’ll hear:
“You’ve changed.”
“You were never sincere to begin with.”

Over-accommodation may buy you temporary harmony. But it rarely earns lasting respect.

You Don’t Have to Get It Perfect — Relationships Aren’t Perfect

Not every in-law relationship will be warm and loving.
Not every conflict will be resolved.

Some people may never fully accept you. Some dynamics may always be tricky.

But here’s what you can control:
You don’t have to dance to their reactions.
You can regulate your own emotions.
You can hold your ground with calm and clarity.

You can make an effort to show goodwill — without sacrificing your sense of self.
You can ask your partner for support — without turning it into a loyalty test.
You can protect your household boundaries — without turning family into a battleground.

The goal is not to “win” every clash.
The goal is to stay steady in the middle of the mess — to hold your own center without hardening your heart.