When Postpartum Help Doesn’t Feel Helpful
When "Helpful" Parents Can Feel Like Pressure
A Chinese mom I worked with shared something that might resonate:
"I wanted to be grateful. My mom was cooking, cleaning, folding laundry... But she was also commenting on how I held the baby, how often I fed him, how I dressed him. I felt like a child again. And I couldn’t push back, because I needed her."
This is a reality for many Chinese and Asian American moms: you can feel both appreciation and defeat in the same breath. You need the support. But the way it comes — layered with judgment or emotional pressure — chips away at your confidence just when you’re trying to build it.
Why This Happens in So Many Families
In many Chinese and Asian families, older generations see themselves as emotionally and practically invested in their children’s lives. They’ve sacrificed a lot. Their sense of purpose is often tied to family legacy.
So when a grandchild arrives, they may feel entitled to give advice or even override your parenting choices. It can feel like they see your child as their grandchild first, your baby second.
The problem is: even if their intentions are loving, the impact can feel like erasure.
When Love Comes with Control
This is what postpartum interference often sounds like:
"Don’t carry him so much, you’ll spoil him."
"He’s not dressed warmly enough."
"Why are you doing it this way? I never did that with you."
You’re exhausted, flooded with doubt, and trying to find your footing. These comments, even if well-meaning, feel like tiny shoves away from your own instincts.
But here’s the bind: you need them. Many new moms rely on parents or in-laws for survival-level support in the first months. You can’t afford to alienate them.
So what do you do?
One Mental Reframe That Helps
Try seeing their over-involvement not as an attack, but as a reflection of their fear, love, or outdated habits. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it softens the emotional weight.
Then: instead of pushing back reactively, state your boundary gently and clearly.
A Simple Script That Changes the Tone
"Mom, it makes me so happy that you love him so much. I’m still learning what kind of parent I want to be. I need space to figure that out. I’ll definitely ask when I want advice, because I know how much you care."
You’re not rejecting them. You’re drawing a calm line around your growth as a parent.
You Can Keep the Help Without Losing Your Voice
You’re not imagining it. Your instincts are being challenged. But you’re not powerless. With the right words and framing, you can accept the support you need and protect the space to grow into the parent you want to be.
Want More?
We explore this exact dynamic — and the strategies to navigate it — in one of the lessons in my upcoming course on postpartum emotional adjustment for Chinese and Asian American moms.
To give you a head start, I’ve created a free resource: 3 Gentle Boundary Scripts for New Moms
It includes:
The exact phrasing for common situations
A 3-step formula that helps you stay calm and clear
Tips for getting support without sounding ungrateful