Still On Alert: When Your Body Doesn’t Trust the Quiet Yet

The house is quiet. The baby is finally sleeping.
You’ve done the dishes, replied to the text, half-scrolled through social media.
There’s technically nothing urgent right now.
But your body hasn’t gotten the message.

Your shoulders are still up. Your jaw is still tight. You’re scanning for something — a forgotten task, a cry from the next room, a subtle sense that you’re already behind on something invisible.

This post is for the part of you that just can’t relax, even when everything is fine.

Always On Alert

A lot of moms — especially high-functioning, caregiving-heavy, culturally responsible moms — never really turn “off.”
Even when the crisis is over or the baby is down, they stay activated.

You might catch yourself thinking things like:

• I should use this time to catch up on something.

• What if the baby wakes up early?

• Something’s probably wrong and I just haven’t found it yet.

It’s not always a loud panic. Sometimes it’s just a steady tension in your body — like you’re bracing for something.

I remember a stretch of nights when my (then) baby was waking up multiple times. I’d lie in bed in between wakings, exhausted but tense — hyper-aware of any little sound from the monitor, anticipating the next jolt upright to soothe, feed, change.
Even when he was quiet, my body didn’t believe it was safe to rest.
The result? Even less sleep than I was technically “allowed.” Because I couldn’t let myself rest — I was too busy preparing for the next demand.

This is what hypervigilance in motherhood can look like. And it’s not just about the baby.

Overfunctioning Doesn’t Feel Like a Problem Until You Break

For many women — especially Chinese and Asian American women — being responsible isn’t just a role. It’s how we prove we’re good, worthy, dependable.

We anticipate needs before they’re spoken.
We scan for other people’s comfort before our own.
We stay two steps ahead, because someone has to.

So when we become mothers, we control variables, prep for every outcome, and over-research every possible risk.

And we feel guilty for wanting to rest.
Or worse — we try to rest and can’t.

The belief runs deep: If I relax, something will go wrong.

(Related: Postpartum Resentment & Emotional Labor: Why Couples Fight After Baby)

This Pattern Is Personal — And Often Learned

That tension in your body? That hum of unease even when things are quiet?
It may feel like it’s just part of your personality — but it often has deeper roots.

For many Chinese and Asian American moms, this always-on alertness didn’t start with motherhood. It may have started years ago, shaped quietly by family dynamics and cultural messages about what it means to be “a good daughter,” “a responsible one,” or “someone who doesn’t complain.”

Maybe you were the one who noticed what needed to be done.
Maybe no one said, “You don’t have to do it all,” so you assumed you should.

Over time, that kind of vigilance can settle into your nervous system — and feel like second nature.

So when motherhood demands even more of you, it doesn’t feel like a new burden. It just feels like more of the same, but with higher stakes and less rest.

You Don’t Have to Fix It — But You Can Interrupt It

This kind of tension doesn't usually respond to willpower or advice. It's a patterned response — one your nervous system learned over years of staying ready.

You don't need to force yourself to relax. But you can start to interrupt the cycle.

Try this small experiment:

• Pause for just ten seconds.

• Place a hand on your chest or abdomen.

• Say to yourself: “Nothing needs me right now.”

Not as a mantra. Just as an experiment.
Let your body react however it reacts — not to get it "right," but to practice not doing for a moment.

Or, if you prefer structure, try a 2-minute guided meditation. No breathwork goals. No visualizations. Just a voice reminding you to be present in your body — and that you don’t have to be useful right now.

Sometimes what softens isn’t the tension — it’s the urgency to erase it.

When Everything’s Done, You Still Might Not Feel Done

If your body stays activated even when your checklist is clear, it doesn’t mean you’re failing at rest — it means your system isn’t sure what safety looks like yet.

That’s not a character flaw. It’s conditioning. And the good news is: patterns can shift — with time, support, and repetition.

Your ability to relax isn’t gone. It’s just buried — under years of effort, expectations, and being the one who holds everything together.

Noticing the pattern is just the first step.
Learning how to relate to it differently — without pushing it away or blaming yourself for it — is where the work begins.