When They Don’t Mean to Hurt You — But Do Anyway
Most of us can list the major dealbreakers in a relationship — infidelity, abuse, betrayal.
But what wears down many relationships over time isn’t something dramatic. It’s often the unintentional, everyday lapses in emotional presence — the kind that don’t come from bad intentions, but still leave deep marks if left unaddressed.
Let’s look at three subtle but common behaviors that can quietly erode connection:
Half-hearted responses
Speaking on your partner’s behalf without checking
Overlooking your partner’s extra effort
1. When You Ask, But Don’t Really Listen
In therapy, I often hear partners say, “No matter what I do, she’s still not satisfied.”
What they’re really saying is: “I made an effort, but it wasn’t appreciated.”
Let’s look closer.
A wife comes home exhausted after working late. Her husband is on the couch watching TV. He sees her sit down, notices the fatigue on her face, and asks,
“How was work today?”
She opens up. She talks about demanding clients, an unreasonable boss, unhelpful coworkers. She finally finishes and looks to him for a response — some sign of care or connection.
He says vaguely,
“Huh… yeah, that sounds rough.”
Then turns back to the TV.
That kind of half-listening hits hard. She feels dismissed, maybe even foolish for having opened up. He, meanwhile, feels confused — “Didn’t she want me to ask about her day?”
But sharing emotional struggles is not just casual small talk. It’s a vulnerable act of connection. And when the response feels disinterested or flat, it sends the message:
“I’m not really here with you.”
When that happens enough times, the partner who tries to connect will begin to withdraw. They may protect themselves by saying things like “You don’t get it,” or “It’s fine, forget it,” and start signaling emotional distance instead of closeness.
To show up well in those moments, the listener doesn’t have to solve anything. But they do need to do two things well:
Make space for their partner to speak without interrupting or offering solutions
Show that their partner’s emotions matter — through eye contact, body language, or simple validation
Even just:
“That sounds exhausting — I can see how heavy that felt.”
goes a long way.
2. Making Plans Without Asking First
The mother-in-law calls and invites the couple to dinner. The husband, thinking it’s convenient to skip cooking, says yes on the spot.
Later, he checks in with his wife — who had already made dinner plans with a close friend visiting from abroad. She had mentioned it earlier, but he’d forgotten.
Now she feels caught. If she cancels on her friend, it’s a rare chance lost. But if she backs out of dinner with his mom, she worries it’ll look like she’s the one being difficult.
In situations involving extended family, even small missteps can create emotional tension, especially when boundaries aren’t clarified.
The solution isn’t complicated — it’s just a habit to build:
Check in before committing on behalf of both of you.
He could have said:
“Let me confirm with [her] and I’ll text you back in a bit.”
That one sentence preserves flexibility, shows respect for his partner, and models good boundaries with his family.
3. Overlooking Invisible Labor
It’s Sunday. She’s researched recipes, bought fresh ingredients, and spent two hours cooking something new and meaningful.
She calls him to come eat.
He says,
“Okay — after this game ends.”
Twenty minutes later, the food is cold. She watches him eat with no particular reaction. The excitement she had feels like it evaporated.
When someone puts in emotional or physical labor to create joy or connection — and it goes unnoticed — the silence can sting more than criticism.
We hear a lot about “creating ritual” in relationships. But rituals don’t always have to be elaborate.
It might be dressing up a little for date night.
Picking a specific movie your partner’s been waiting to see.
Trying a recipe you know they’d enjoy.
None of those acts mean much if the other person responds with indifference. But if they respond with genuine appreciation, that small moment becomes part of the emotional glue that holds a couple together.
Feeling seen and valued gives us the energy to keep showing up for each other.
When a partner says thank you — sincerely, warmly — it reinforces not just the act, but the relationship itself.
The Little Things Are the Big Things
Sometimes we hurt each other not by doing something wrong, but by failing to do something meaningful.
These everyday missteps — distracted replies, overstepping without asking, forgetting to show appreciation — are easy to overlook in the moment. But over time, they can add up.
And the good news is: they’re also easy to repair.
Being present, checking in, and saying thank you may seem like small gestures — but in relationships, those are the things that last.
If I can make you feel seen and cherished, then being with you will always feel like coming home.