Postpartum Resentment & Emotional Labor: Why Couples Fight After Baby

Why You’re Arguing More After Baby

You love your partner and know they love you too. You may have had a good rhythm before the baby — splitting chores, sharing jokes, even weathering stressful times together.

But after childbirth, something shifts. For many couples, the arguments begin.

It’s rarely about the diaper or the dishes. It’s about feeling alone. About carrying a mental to-do list no one else seems to see.

The Mental Load Moms Carry Alone

In many Chinese or Asian American families, mothers unconsciously step into the role of manager of the baby. We anticipate needs, remember doctor appointments, monitor feeding schedules, prep bottles, organize baby clothes — and also make sure our parents and in-laws feel respected.

It’s a full-time project management job — and it’s mostly invisible.

So when your partner asks, “What do you need me to do?” — it may not feel helpful. It can feel like one more thing to manage.

Worse, if you finally break down — if you cry, snap, or plead — and your partner says, “Why are you so upset?” or, “What do you want from me?” it doesn’t feel like support. It feels like confirmation that you’re in this alone.

Postpartum Resentment: The Disappointment No One Talks About

Many moms describe a quiet but powerful sense of disappointment postpartum. Not because their partner stopped caring — but because their partner didn’t shift fast enough. They didn’t step up in the way the mom needed them to.

That mismatch — in expectations, in urgency, in emotional bandwidth — can make the gap feel huge.

In clinical work, I’ve heard many Asian American moms say: “I didn’t expect to feel this resentful. I know he cares about the baby, but it’s like we’re not on the same team anymore.”

This isn’t just about chores. It’s about emotional labor — the work of thinking, planning, remembering, and worrying. Not just doing.

The Cultural Pressure to Stay Quiet

For Chinese and Asian American women especially, there’s often an added layer: Don’t complain. Put family first.

So we say nothing until it spills out in anger or bitterness — or until we quietly check out.

You’re Not Broken. You’re Not Alone.

It’s not your job to carry it all. And it’s not weak to ask for help in a way that works.

In my upcoming course, I walk you through how to express what you’re carrying in a way that invites your partner in. Because most partners aren’t malicious. They’re just unsure how to connect, and afraid of doing it wrong.

There is a way forward. Not to go back to who you were — but to build a new kind of partnership.

If you want to learn how to start that conversation without feeling like you’re nagging or exploding, this course was made for you.

Join the waitlist here to be the first to know when it launches.

Related Reading: Why I Felt Lost After Birth — And Why You Might Too